News of New Zealanders via Global Media

View From an Ass

View From an Ass

Masterton man Geoff Roder will fight for his right to watch the drive-in from his donkey.

Big, Bad Bird

Big, Bad Bird

“A San Francisco Zoo employee was injured yesterday when a 5-foot tall bird native to New Zealand tore into his leg with its powerful claws … The animals are found in the rain forests of New…

Sooty Mania

Sooty Mania

New Zealanders respect a real man – or a real guinea pig. Sooty, the rodent famous for fathering 43 babies in one sweaty night, received a large volume of Valentines postmarked New Zealand. “He has…

Don’t Try and Amuse

Don’t Try and Amuse

The computer at a Japanese bank – “it isn’t wired for humour,” says the ex-New Zealand student Ramesh Thakur.

Saucy Story

Saucy Story

“Lee & Perrin’s bottles, with their characteristic long necks, designed to make it easy to Shake Well Before Using, have turned up in shipwrecks, encrusted with barnacles; in the forbidden city of Lhasa, Tibet; and in…

World Without Oz

World Without Oz

If Australia didn’t exist, “Kiri Te Kanawa would be known as La Stupenda,” “New Zealanders would outnumber sheep” and “the pavlova would be indisputably a New Zealand Creation.”

Hotel Harridans

Hotel Harridans

New Zealand women using hotels make more noise during sex, watch more porn, leave their rooms messier and steal more stuff than men. “I think women are becoming more assertive,” offered a Novotel spokesperson.

Chicken Corner

Chicken Corner

Metropolitan Auckland: high rise, IT, yachts – and chickens in the city parks.

Catch That Pigeon Now

Catch That Pigeon Now

New Zealander Kent Robertson adds his two cents worth on the Trafalger Square pigeons: “I’ve been coming to London for 30 years and feeding the pigeons has always been a great treat.”

Better Late Then Never

Better Late Then Never

“Perhaps we all have a conscience – it just takes some a little longer to find theirs,” said the manager of the Southland Gun Club after receiving anonymous restitution for a twenty-year old theft.

Pooch Smooch

Pooch Smooch

New Zealand firefighter Trevor Hill has a new best friend – Oscar, the dog he revived with the canine kiss of life.

Too Tricky Poneke

Too Tricky Poneke

The King William’s College quiz is “fiendishly” difficult – but one question should be easy for Wellingtonians.

Beating the Sheep

Beating the Sheep

New Zealand’s legendary 20:1 sheep to human ratio is in decline, expected to fall to 10:1 by 2005.

Hunter Becomes Hunted

Hunter Becomes Hunted

Diving for crayfish off the Coromandel, British diver Peter Fuller was hooked by a passing fisherman: “the idiot was rigged for marlin but caught me,” said Fuller, still nursing the hand he was hooked through.

Mobile Protection

Mobile Protection

Timaru condoms-in-taxis scheme attracts international notice.

Window Rescue

Window Rescue

Christchurch window-cleaner Brent Harrington’s rescue provided a spectacle for 200 cheering tourist after his pulley-operated platform malfunctioned, stranding him outside the fifth floor of the BNZ.

Is That a Wallet in Your Sofa or Are You Just Pleased to See Me?

Is That a Wallet in Your Sofa or Are You Just Pleased to See Me?

After 57 years apart US marine Chuck Herrler was reunited with his wallet, courtesy of Wellington woman Louise Alliston, who noticed a strange bulge in the arm of her second-hand sofa.

Chathams Hungover

Chathams Hungover

“We blew our budget last year and walked away with a huge headache, but we had a lot of fun,” says Chathams man Robin Preece, predicting a quiet New Year for the first place to see…

Fatter But Fitter

Fatter But Fitter

New Zealander’s average weight is increasing, but so is the general fitness of the population.

It’s Shirley, Isn’t It?

It’s Shirley, Isn’t It?

The Shirley Convention 2001 is expecting “500 Shirleys from across Australia and New Zealand”.

Newsworthy

Newsworthy

Kelly Russell didn’t shoot himself in the foot – his best friend Stinky did the deed.

Ideal Burglar

Ideal Burglar

“If you wanted an ideal burglar, we could give him a reference. You never know he’s been in,” says Ron Hancock of the crook who’s broken into his Lake Rotoehu holiday house twenty times in the…

Hotel NZ Disgrace

Hotel NZ Disgrace

The New Zealand, 235 Main St, Vancouver – one of the ten most troublesome establishments in the city.

Moral Turpitude

Moral Turpitude

“My eye always goes back to that sad and sinister little word at the beginning of the list: what the hell is “turpitude”, anyway? One immediately thinks of child molesters, satanists, and men who do funny…

Sheepish Joke

Sheepish Joke

Still fresh after all these years …

Star Detective

Star Detective

Newbie Hamilton security man Gillie Henare explains his efficient lifter-nabbing techniques: “they use a lot of tricks to smuggle stuff out. You look for things like the bulging stomach, loose sleeves, bags. Once you’ve seen it…

Jewels Valued

Jewels Valued

A New Zealand testicle is worth £4 500, but the Australian version is valued at £130 000.

Howdy Mate

Howdy Mate

“Seems like American people are just too lazy to work,” says Colorado farmer Bruce Markham, who’s been using Kiwis to bring in the corn.

Miracle Bang

Miracle Bang

After a decade of blindness, Auckland woman Lisa Reid went to bed, bumped her head and woke up sighted in the morning.

Woolly Coincidence

Woolly Coincidence

Was it morphic resonance that caused New Zealand sheep to start rolling across cattle girds at the same time as their Welsh cousins? Could a similar force be affecting sisterly novelists?

Horsemen of the Edge

Horsemen of the Edge

“New Zealand horsemen have arrived in the village. They have taken over a surplus cowshed just behind the blacksmith’s. I visit and discover that, having seen better days, the shed is being converted with vast energy…

Role-model Winslet

Role-model Winslet

As well as being every New Zealand director’s actress of choice, Kate Winslet can handle a baby.

Ice and Cannibals

Ice and Cannibals

Alan Gurney details three mid-nineteenth century voyages to Antarctica. Included is a “grisly description by a New Zealand missionary of the cannibalistic Maoris’ method of creating shrunken human heads.”

New Zealandese?

New Zealandese?

“‘They’re fighting the 300-pound gorilla. Good on them,’ said Mark de Frere, a marketing manager for Advanced Micro Devices, using the New Zealand phrase equivalent to ‘godspeed’.”

Tractor Attention

Tractor Attention

Helen and Clyde Berkshire run the world’s only Harvester tractor museum, in Indiana. New Zealanders have a special interest in the display.

Relative Connection

Relative Connection

“Groove is a Windows application that lets you swap ideas and information in the same way that Napster lets you swap songs … if you could get your cousins in New Zealand to use it, staying in…

Jeans #2

Jeans #2

Labour MP John Tamihere wore a pair of ‘dress jeans’ to work. When National’s Bill English complained, Aucklander Tamihere called him “a hillbilly from Clutha”.

Midget Motoring

Midget Motoring

An eight year old boy hitting the motorway at 80k in his Dad’s car was doing his bit to bring the average driving age down. Police stopped the boy who was “not fazed,” by them,…

Senior Junior

Senior Junior

Anne Martindall (86), former US Ambassador to New Zealand and long-time companion of Sir Toss Woollaston, returns to college to complete her degree. “I believe in finishing what you start,” says Martindall.

Bloody Lucky

Bloody Lucky

King Country farming means clear air, rich milk, hay and leeches? Maria Lupton’s slimy sweeties saved the lips of an Australian girl mauled by a dog. The leeches, usually fed on blood and intestines, restore circulation to…

Booby Trap

Booby Trap

It’s tough on the beat. Two Hamilton police officers were innocently holding a cam-corder when the woman it was pointed at ripped her clothes off, landing them in breach of regulations.

Towel Rage

Towel Rage

Staff at the Rotorua Polynesian Spa were menaced by a naked customer, furious that he hadn’t been provided with a towel. The customer walked naked into the foyer, pushing a computer off the front desk to…

Unprivate Moments

Unprivate Moments

“Keep a diary online and you’re exposed to Mom, Dad, potential employers, and strangers in New Zealand with strong opinions about the way last night’s date should have been handled.”

Fat Tax

Fat Tax

Proponents of the New Zealand “Brain Drain” myth complain about income tax, but the government has so far rejected calls for a “fat tax” on butter, cheese, meat and milk.

Healing Touch

Healing Touch

A new London centre devoted to the study of the “healing touch” is “an outpost of a university in New Zealand whose ideas are based on feng shui and other Oriental philosophies.” Could tight…

Motoring On

Motoring On

Elva Shepard, 99, passed her re-licensing test. The experienced drivers only fault? A little slow at times, perhaps due to Bubba, her youthful 43-year-old car.

Acing It

Acing It

Wellington hair maestro Constantin Harach played his cards right to win the Moscow International Poker Tournament Pot Limit Omaha: “Aram rolls over 8K510 and Constantin 6QJA. Constantin’s up and down straight is made with a K…

What Goes Around Comes Around

What Goes Around Comes Around

Hans Schwarz, an Austrian now living in NZ, sailed to Melbourne in 1956, to attend the Olympic Games. He threw a bottle into the ocean, with a note for a “dusky Pacific maiden”. Now, in a typically…

Kava Kafuffle

Kava Kafuffle

Unusual intoxicant attracts international notice. A Wellington man was picked up for driving erratically after consuming kava, a ceremonial drink in many Pacific Island communities.

Edge into Growth

Edge into Growth

Canadian design guru Bruce Mau created “An incomplete Manifesto for Growth” in 1998. “The oddest thing I heard was that a New Zealand company had used the manifesto on its website,” says Mau.

The Gravy Train Will Now Depart …

The Gravy Train Will Now Depart …

Some members of the Penang Municipal Council enjoyed a recent trip to Adelaide, but not everyone got to go. Those who missed out launched a protest campaign, ending in a working paper being prepared on the…

Why do it yourself when you can play a CD?

Why do it yourself when you can play a CD?

Wellington coffee czar Geoff Marsland has issued a CD aimed at the neighbours – at annoying them that is. The CD features the noise of a lawnmower and runs for 64 minutes. “If your neighbours have…

Does This Man Have a Government Scholarship?

Does This Man Have a Government Scholarship?

It’s more cost-effective than traditional space-flight, and it’s spiritually enriching … the New York-based International Institute of Projectiology and Conscientiology has been guiding consciousnesses’ astral bodies through the extraphysical dimensions since 1988. Kiwi attorney David Lindsay, who is…

Initiative Edge

Initiative Edge

In a tough call, trust your instincts, says cognitive psychologists Gary Klein. “The best decision makers that Klein has seen are wildland firefighters … They fight fires 12 months a year – in western…

New Zealanders’ Innovation Inspires Wedding on the Web

New Zealanders’ Innovation Inspires Wedding on the Web

The wedding of Mr and Mrs Ram in Brent County, UK will be broadcast live on the web. Inspired by a NZ couple efforts to share their wedding with friends and family: “this couple wanted their…

Ruskies Clone NZ Lawyers

Ruskies Clone NZ Lawyers

“A computer programmer from St Petersburg has cloned a New Zealand law firm’s website and changed its details to make it appear Russian. Patent attorney A J Park’s website was plagarised down to the last detail:…